Random One-Liners

If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drilling rights on George Bush's head.

(1943 – ) U.S. agriculture commissioner, columnist, activist & author
Insults Intelligence Money

Cravings: An excuse to gluttonize your way through pregnancy.

Definitions

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar: the barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer
Communication

My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette; we passed around six girls and one of them had VD.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Girls Health Old Women

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.

(1907 – 1988) science fiction author
Alcohol Food/Drink Government Taxes

The best accessory a girl can have is her best friend.

(1981 – ) heiress, socialite, media personality & model
Appearance Friends Travel

Peter Marshall: Paul, True or false… occasionally, a bull moose will hear the horn of diesel train and will run to it thinking that it is its lover?

Paul Lynde: And heaven help the conductor!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

Football coaches walk across the field after the game and pretend to congratulate the opposing coach; baseball managers head right for the beer.

American sportswriter
Baseball Football Sports

I'm really not a Facebook or Twitter guy; I'm a prime-rib-and-baked-potato guy.

American baseball player & manager
Baseball People Self Sports

In a fight between you and the world, back the world.

(1883 – 1924) Czech writer
Conflict Situations

He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser.

(1927 – 1999) stage & film actor, director & producer
Insults

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?… try spelling Evian backward.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Money People

Little things affect little minds.

(1804 – 1881) British prime minister, politician & author
Fools Intelligence

This thaw – took a while to thaw, it’s going to take a while to unthaw.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president
Bushisms

Things are never as bad as they turn out to be.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

I wish that there was a restaurant named “I don't care,” so I'd finally know where my girlfriend was talking about.

(1979 – ) American actor, comedian & musician
Dating Food/Drink Relationships

Nothing is illegal if one hundred well-placed business men decide to do it.

(1932 – ) American politician, diplomat, activist & pastor
Government Law

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Cooking Eating Food/Drink Mothers Relationships

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Marriage Men People

Peter Marshall: True or false… Ari Onassis gave Jackie $5 million worth of jewelry in their first year of marriage alone?

Paul Lynde: And it didn’t cure her headache.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

Man is certainly stark mad; he cannot make a worm, and yet he will be making gods by dozens.

(1533 – 1592) French writer
People